Memoir – The First Years
When I was a little girl there were many moments that I can remember. We lived in Fremont, Ca – it was country then, and even though the house we were in was a new house, it had all sorts of mysterious things going on.
At night the doors would open and close, the faucets would go on and off, and you could hear people walking upstairs… Then there was me..
At the time I am a little girl about 4 or 5 and I just wanted to “go home” badly. My mom would find me crying in my room, and ask what was the matter. I would cry “I want to go home,” She would hold me and caress me, trying to comfort me, but to no avail. Finally started saying to me “You are here now, and this is your home.” Well I finally did get over the wanting to go home, somewhat, but all through my life I have felt this way, like I was just visiting, not feeling really content or at home.
As I got a little older.(.my poor mom,) I said I wanted to be a nun, and my mom said “What? A nun… why?” I said “because that’s what I am.” My family was not religious, we never went to church, or even talked about stuff like that. Never a word about God, or anything like that. I just knew I wanted to be a nun, to serve, and my mom asked “to serve who? you’re just a little girl.” “To serve God,” I replied. She just stood there staring at me…then yelled “Arnold, that’s my father…there is something wrong with Renee…she wants to be a nun…lol oh dear…. that is so funny.” I truly did, I used to see myself in a habit, walking with children, singing to them. Often I would see this as a little girl, and it was such a happy Time-I just knew that it was what I was going to do because I thought ‘well, it just made sense to me at that age.
The reason why that particular past life was so strong I think was that one of my most favorite lifetimes: a nun, with the black and white habit, from what I can tell the church looks Spanish, could even be Mexico, all wood, and beautiful, with stained glass, wood floors. The scent was just gorgeous, and all the beautiful children like an orphanage, we had so much fun together. I loved being a nun, and serving in this way the source of all that is. I also remember I was older when I died, and in a wooden coffin, and the children were peering in at me as I lay there. I was watching them from above, some of them on their tippy toes looking in. I wanted to marry Jesus, I actually think I was married to Jesus, how could a child even know about marriage. But I did
But only to god. Particularly Jesus.
In regards to all the activity in the house, the land was Indian land at one time, and of course there were spirits there. I use to go into the orchard, and run and play with them, the orchard to me was a magical place where I could run away from the violence at home that was impossible to handle as a small girl.
My father was abusive, and my mother was passive. They married when my mom was just 17. I cannot say that what was happening at home did not serve me in some way by teaching me great lessons of forgiveness and inner strength. I know this now but as a little girl it was tough, and I was confused. I often thought I didn’t belong here, and it seemed as I grew that only became more clear, as the abuse within the family was recognized.
So here I was, a little girl running around the house, and I happened to meet this man that was dressed funny, and had big eyes who would play with me at night. He would open the doors in the house, flush the toilet, slam the doors, make faces at my dad that I knew my dad could not see. Sometimes he got me into trouble, telling me to say something bad that would make my dad spank me. To me this man was more like a kid than a man, and as I grew, I learned more about him.
As I grew older everything would look different, at night when children should be asleep the show would start: airplanes flying through the room, ribbons of color, and faces, some beautiful, some scary, I would cover my head to try and make it stop and when I did the monkeys would start to jump on my bed, the two monkeys who were chimps, one boy and one girl and both feisty and playful. Many a time my dad would come into my room because I was playing with the monkeys and making too much noise. At first they scared me and I would scream “the monkeys, the monkeys won’t let me go to sleep!” Then I got used to them, and still to this day they are here.
At the same time there were elephants, and a lion, and strange people too!! The stars would come out in my room at night, and I would lay quiet, watching things move around my room. Shortly after I started to feel pressure on my body, like someone was putting a board on my body and pressing down, causing me to be immobile. I would scream, and mom would come in to calm me down by rubbing my back. The pressure would stop then, but yet it would happen again and again. I realized that was in fact spirits and energy which was coming to me more and more.
They would call my name, and I would see relatives that I did not know including Uncle Otto, and his brother, (one of my mother’s uncles,) They would appear suddenly and just kind of looked at me. I would tell my mother their names and she would say “oh, that’s your great uncle…he is just saying hi.” I saw people with long robes, and men in turbans, and hear words spoken, names and numbers, too. Still to this day, a lot has slowed down but a lot has not. As you may know.
with love Renee