The Harley

My husband bought me a Harley a 883 sportster, It was low to the ground, looks just like this one, white, and so fun.  I took a motorcycle safety course.  That was fun too!!  I passed and I was so happy with myself.  My hubby had a Haley also, a fatboy, and he went all over, that bike has 48,000 miles on it, he rode to Acapulco Mexico, Mazatlan, the baja, Montana, and Idaho, he rode every where some places with me some not.

I always wanted to learn to ride, I have been riding since I was just 17 years old, I love motorcycles.  So there was my baby all brand, new, and ready to go, and we loaded up the bikes and went to pyramid lake in Nevada.

Pyramid lake

It was great road, clear and nice weather, and we could have lunch at the restaurant at the lake.  We departed from a truck stop on the highway, and then rode to Pyramid lake, it was a great ride, and I was having a lot of fun, Hubby always pulled up the rear, because he was afraid I was going to get run over, he always so paranoid I was going to get hit.  We made it there and had lunch, and started the way back it was only about 50 miles each way, and I am glad thats all it was.

The wind started to blow but it was in these big gusts, that would throw me, and push me, it scared the crap out of me, as my front wheel would start to shake, and then I had to ride at a angel turning into the wind, that pushing from the north, I was really scared.  My husband who has been riding for 40 something years was just relaxed and moving along, his bike was heavier than mine, I was all over, and for a new rider, well this shook me up a lot..

Then I felt a drop, and another drop, and then geez its raining , and the wind is blowing so hard, and then hail, I was so scared and I pulled over, and he followed, I was so scared my knees where knocking, I yelled "I can't do this" then lightning, and thunder, and I was just shaking it was cold and I was just frozen. 

He told me we need to keep going look at whats coming we need to keep moving or we are really going to be in for it, we can make in to the highway, and sit under the over pass, well that was a hell of a long way away, and I was getting mad, and then I saw my father standing there, and I could hear him, say you'll be all right, you will make it just fine.  So I climbed  back on and away we went, and I was riding sideways, and ever cattle guard my bike would slip, and wiggle, and then the rear tire would catch and throw me around.

My heart was pounding out of my chest, and I started to hyperventilate, when something took me over, and I took that bike with all this confidence, and rode it hard right through everything, my husband, could not believe that was me, and he just kept close, but not too close...and I felt this growth and strength, hey look what I did, I made it right through that storm, the moment I took charge it stopped.

We made it to the over pass and we stopped, he looked at me and said what the hell was that?  I said that was my father, thats what that was..he looked up at the sky, and said thanks Arnold...I could hear my father laugh.

When we got back to the trailer, we were wet and dirty, my white bike was filthy, people gathered around, as we loaded the bikes, and people were saying you were out in that storm ? yes...we were my hubby said, and this is her first solo ride, people were like wow, and I said well I had some help thats for sure...I was never alone, my dad was there the whole time, teaching me, that I could over come the fear that was paralysing me, what a great lesson that taught me so much confidence.

with love Renee

My Father

Every man in my fathers family has passed away, all the men died many years ago all in their early 50's.  I can remember the phone ringing and my mother answering the phone I was just getting ready to walk out the door, when I heard my mother " omg no ", and I knew something was wrong I stopped dead in my tracks, turned around and headed toward her twisted face with fear, and shock.  She looks at me and says while she is still on the phone you dad is dead, I was 16.

I really had never dealt with death, and could not even imagine what I was suppose to feel or not feel.  My mother was crying my step father wanted to know what the hell is going on?  and then she told him, he put his arms around her and held her, I just stood there, and off they went to console each other.  I just stood there.  My fathers gone? how ? where ? why? hello anyone can you help me here? Its my father you divorced him.  I finally got the deal that my father had been loading his cattle in the truck, and it was on his little ranch in Orland California, where I had learned about riding horses, and driving, and animals, where we fixed fences, and I would ride my horse through the alfalfa until he yelled at me, as I was stomping it all down, he died right there in the pasture.  They said he got in the truck took his hat off put his head back and was gone.  Just like that.  The man that I hated and loved was gone. Poof...all that I new of him, all that I new of that little ranch gone.  My step mother took all his things, and gave them away, all his rings, all his things from world war 2, she just threw them out, better that than to give them to his daughter.  So I had nothing of him, except some pictures that I found, it was like he never was there.  So odd...just gone...not one thing did I have to remind me of him, except for the memories.  She didn't get those.

The journey with my father was just beginning, and there was so much I didn't know about him, he was in world war 2, and he was a medic, he was in the battle of the bulge in Europe.  Never knew that, of course at 16 who cares, I never thought of that, it was all about Vietnam.  He had a tough time in the war, and he had scares from it emotional scars, my mother told me about him just sitting and staring off, and how violent he was.  I do remember that, and the pain he inflected on us, especially my mom.   I remember begging her to leave him, that she deserved better than this, and I was 9 years old.  He had done so many terrible things, and then he was one of the strongest people I knew, and taught me so many incredible things.

The most interesting thing was that night after I we were informed of his death, he came to visit, he came in my room and looked at me, and then he went into my mothers room, and kissed her on the cheek, and then he was gone.  In the morning my mother asked me, if I had come in and kissed her, I said no that was dad, and she just became silent. I see my father all the time, he comes and we talk, its very easy to talk with him, I have been talking a long time with him, forgiving him, and loving him for the spiritual being that he truly is.  He is my pal.  That didn't happen over night, that happened through a lot of work, with him, and forgiving work.  I would set a chair out, and ask him to sit down and I would let him have it, and I would cry, and carry on until it was all out, and then

I would feel love enter my heart, and I would love him again.  I forgave him for all the horrible things he had done to me, and especially my sweet mother, the kindest woman on earth.  Fathers set in line for their daughters, what there future husbands will be like in many ways, as that is all that you know, the lessons on learning new behaviours and ways of being, can be accomplished the damage that is done can be un done to some extent, but it takes a lot of work.

When I was 19 I would cry at night because I thought, that I would be like my father, that I would be cruel, and heartless, and that I was doomed to this fate, I realized that I had a choice, that I could be just like him or I could be who I wanted to be.  Ever since that moment of realization, I have walked in my light, the best that I knew how for that moment of time, each day it changes, through over  the years and time.  I decided to take the good things, and leave the bad.

with love Renee